Insomnia + Stress

Lately I haven't been able to sleep well. I swear, bad news and stress do not go well together. Once again, I felt like ending my miseries but in the end I did not have the guts to do so. I do admit that it is stupid doing something like that but I just seriously couldn't help it. I can't say that I won't do it again because I am pretty sure that I will soon but I think I would try my best to stop. The problem with stopping is my sleeping issues. Like I said, I couldn't sleep and sad enough, whenever I couldn't sleep I start to think about things ranging from my past to my future. Yesterday, I finished watching football and went back home around 1 in the morning. I reached home and tried so hard to sleep but I couldn't. Finally, I slept around 3 and woke up by myself, again, at 6. Conclusion, I only had a 3 hour nap. I woke up, remembering what happened yesterday and it made me wish that these feelings would leave me alone. I'm sitting at school now and fortunately, things are going quite well. I hope the day would just go on like now, so I can keep myself occupied most of the time.

October.......

It's been I guess two months since I've updated my blog. There's a lot of things that took place within this period of time, which I don't think I'll be able to fit all of them in here. Lately, I've been feeling quite pissed off for no reason. Well, there's a reason to why I am pissed but I guess it'll take me some time to figure out why. One of the most, not to say memorable because it's something bad, well, unforgetable thing that happened just 2 days ago was that I had an outburst and honestly, it was my first one ever. I yelled at someone, which I felt bad later, really bad. Ever since then, I felt that I should keep my distance from people, so that I won't do the same thing again. From that moment, I felt very tired and restless, trying to figure out the reason why I have been acting like that lately. Sometimes when I think too much about it, I couldn't stop thinking of the 's' word. Haha, and to say that I will never do something that stupid. Well, as said, saying is one thing, doing is another, you can't always relate both of them together. People always tell me to think of the people that cared, and I guess that's the only thing that still keeps me around. Now I feel like I don't deserve anyone to care, I am not worthy. How I wish I could be selfish and very stubborn for once so that I wouldn't need to care about things. Not to say that I am not happy with I have now. I am very glad and grateful to be able to know a lot of people but I just feel like letting everything go and feel care-free. The problem is that reality is always telling me otherwise. I know myself that I will never be able to let things go. Reflecting on what I did yesterday, Hatso made me realise that I am too stressed and tensed at the same time. I was having a migraine yesterday. I had to go back home to rest and unfortunately, miss the football match as well. I slept for roughly 1 and half hours and I woke up realizing that I've done something very stupid, which was leaving my chemistry work back at school. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I left my book and I need to go back and get it. Eventually, I left my house and went back to school to work. I seriously do wonder, when I'll be able to let all these go and take a good rest.

"Friends"

Have you ever had the feeling that you have been ditched again and again, like every single time in your life. Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother. They say that we should just learn to get over it, but there's one fact that they always forget, which is saying something is easy but doing it is hard. To me, forgiving is easy but forgetting it is hard. Are some people even worth keeping? My brain is telling me to ignore them but deep down I still care. I need someone to talk to but I don't know who and what to say. It's painful to keep things inside and I guess I'll just have to deal with it since no one really cares.

Holidays

It has not even been 3 weeks since the school holidays started, and I do not believe that I am saying this, but I really have to admit that I do miss school. For the past 10 years in my life I have never felt that I wanted to go to school. And this year, somehow I kept on wishing that the holidays would end faster, so I can get back to my study life. It's not that I like the homework, I think the most possible reason why I miss school is the fact that this is my last year of high school, and I really want to do everything, so to appreciate every moment of it, and of course I miss the people. I only knew the SIS people for like 6 months and after the next 6 months, we will most probably move on to CIMP, but who knows whether we're going to have the same time schedule or will we even be able to hang out that often anymore. The saddest part is that we won't be able to see some of the people anymore, as they would move on to study somewhere else. At first I have planned to study medical in Russia and if I have not gone to the IMU education fair (that was held in Ipoh) I wouldn't have known that I do not need to spend 7 years in Russia. So, I hereby say thank you to Proffesor Chu (from IMU) for telling me so. According to the Proffesor (who seemed to not like serving people), I do not need to take Medical, instead I should take Biomedical Science. So I have searched the net and I am now considering various universities such as IMU, University of Queensland, University of Manchester, University of Bristol, Princeton University, RMIT, University of Auckland, Queensland University of Technology, Monash University and Australian National University. Apparently I look forward to Monash (Malaysian branch) and ANU. The reason why I chose Monash is that it offers a double degree which is Biomedical and Biotech, which also happens to be the sole university to offer the double degree that has these two courses. My father said it would be better if I go to ANU instead because he said he could afford it and the entry requirement that ANU has set was relatively low, so I thought maybe I should seriously give it a shot. So, lately I have been doing nothing much but checking out and doing some research on universities. Other than researching on universities, I have did some other things such as going out for movies, showering dogs, etc.

Ever since the holidays started, I have did some community service at PAWS. I have walked the dogs, showered the dogs, cleaned their cages and ended up smelling like dogs. It is true that on the first day I kept on complaining about practically everything, but starting from the second day of work, I have stopped complaining, well not totally but at least it was less than the first day. Haha, so I call that an improvement. Had lunches over at this cafe called the BAMBOO cafe. I still remember that Mark ordered an extra plate of Char Koay Teow and it was not included in our receipt. So, we left the place without paying for the Noodles. Haha. Talking about dogs, recently, well actually just two days ago, my father had got another dog and brought it back home. It is a Rottweiler. (for those who has no idea what a rottweiler is, you can refer to this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rotweiller ). The dog my dad got was just roughly 4 months old and it's already as big as the dog I got last year. Of course at first my dog didn't like the new one, so it ended up barking at the new one all the time. But today, things finally changed, my dog has stopped barking at it and they've somehow started to like each other. Before we had the Rottweiler, everyone was telling us that these dogs are very ferocious and they can kill. I have to say that what these people say are BULLSHIT. I think Rottweilers are the most friendly dogs ever. They're very cute and obedient, well not 100 % obedient but it is really loyal to its owners.

Tuesday

Today was a rather tiring day, due to the fact that my stomach can't stop acting like a bitch and is giving me this hell of a stomach ache and not to mention diarrhea too. Why can't the diarrhea come any other day why must it be specificly today?!!! Damn, I've gotta go for the sixth time.

Monday

Today was considered quite a boring day. Well, school started as usual with Math, and then History was more fun though, we got to choose the chapter that we're suppose to give a seminar on. Me, Shauna and Amanda were keeping our fingers crossed so that no one will take Chapter 6. Haha, and lucky us, we got it! After getting to choose, we started to read and prepare for the presentation. Maybe it's because of the fact that we were too focused on reading, time flew by so fast that it was already lunch. Today's lunch sucked, the coleslaw tasted damn sour. After lunch, went to Physics Lab. At first I wanted to do my math, but then I have decided, F*** Math, I'm not gonna care. Haha, instead I ended up playing Monopoly with Nadira, Mark, Adilet, Mahendra and Hatso. Nadira, Mark and I formed an "alliance" but I think it was more to this underground agreement and stuff. Anyway, the three of us owned damn lot of property, but we were all broke, and we owed the bank a lot of money, of course 1 hour was not enough for us to finish the game, so we've decided to continue it tomorrow. Which reminds me that I still owe the bank $1800, HAHAHA. Physics and English was still ok, and for English, Mr Gregory dressed up like ......I don't know how to describe it, but the conclusion is that it's super funny, hahahaha.

After school we were suppose to study for math, but eventuallty no one did anything and I managed to finish my Physics report. So after that, went to dinner with Anita and was able to add a few more Indian and Iranian vocabularies to my book of vocabs, hahaha.

And today I realized one thing. When a person tend to be too giving and understanding, people take advantage of them and ignore or do not really pay extra notice about what he thinks or what he wants. Well that's what life's all about.

My weekend

After being constantly pressured by Anita, I have decided to update my blog. It's been quite a while since I've blogged and to make everyone's life easier, I shall only blog about my weekend.

So this weekend was considerably well spent. Let's start with Friday after school. After spending 4 and half hours of mental torture, I was finally 'free'. I was asked to go help with the Hostel's fund-raising after school, I stayed there until 2, to help. I have to say the sales was considerably good (at least that was what I thought so, cause a lot of people came, and most of them were CIMP lecturers, P.S. they were requesting for Miss Kim's brownies). Anyway, after that I went to school, waited for Siva for about 30 minutes and then finally, we started to do our physics project. Our project was based on coal power, so Siva brought some charcoal to school, and we went outside of the school's foyer and started to burn some coal. At first it seemed to work, the charcoal was seriously generating some heat and the tin (that was filled with water) was getting heat up. While we were waiting for the coal to heat up the tin, so that we can create some steam, I called Nadira, telling her about the fact that she ditched me and left me to starve. She kept on saying sorry and eventually she suggested that she'll get me some McDonalds. After making the call, steam has yet to be created, and we just kept on waiting. Soon, Nadira appeared with Mcd in her hands and I was so freaking hungry. My timing was just nice. After finishing my meal, the tin has finally started to produce some steam. But it wasn't the way that we wanted it to be, so conclusion is that the experiment has failed, miserably. And after that, me and Siva went back to the Physics Lab, and started doing our electrical component for the physics project and again, it failed. I had nothing to do, so I went back to the hostel, and slept until 7-ish. I woke up and I wasn't hungry at the first place, but my stomach starts to show signs that it's empty. So, i picked up the phone and called Amiera, and luckily she was in Pyramid, and I asked her to get me some sushi, since I didn't feel like going anywhere at that time because it was already 8-ish. Therefore I spent the next 1 and half hours sitting infront of the laptop typing and chatting, practically doing nothing. Then only I remember that i had ISU due Monday, therefore I immediately started doing it. As soon as Amiera came back, I went downstairs to collect the sushi I requested. I gobbled all of them in less than 10 minutes, because I was multi-tasking (eating and doing ISU). After that I went to the Cosy Corner and talked to Amiera about our assistant hostel manager. Finally after finish talking, I stayed in the Cosy Corner and watched BEN 10. I know I'm childish but hey I haven't been watching cartoons for like 4 years, cut me some slack. After finishing the show, I went back to my room and slept.

The next morning I woke up around 9 and went for a shower and started to finish up my History ISU. Went to lunch around 12 with Anita and Amiera. After lunch, we went back to the hostel and I practically did nothing, again. Then, I started to pack my stuff and left for school around 3-ish. By the time I reach school, the cleaners were just about to leave and they were asking Anita, Darren and Isaac, who were doing their Math assignments, to leave as well. But luckily there was enough time for me to grab my Physics text book. After leaving school, I went to ORANGE with Isaac and Darren. While I was still drinking, Mark called saying that he's already at the sidegate, waiting. So, I had to ditch Isaac and Darren and went back to the sidegate, and I saw Mark in Miss Pei Wah's green coloured Myvi. Next, we drove off to the petrol station, and that it was there that my plan to freak Mark out, had failed. After we left the petrol station, Miss Pei Wah drove us to Mark's house. As usual, Mark's parents were extremely friendly. I stepped inside and went upstairs to Mark's room. And he said his room was messy, wait till he sees mine. I put down my stuff on a corner and started to do my Physics report, but eventually gave up. Instead, I started to play chess with Mark, until it was dinner time. Mark's mom makes the best soup, (sorry Grandma) but seriously it was very good, cause I have not been drinking any home-made soup since I've left Ipoh. The dinner was very nice, we had roasted duck and some vegetables, and after that I went for a shower and after cleaning myself up, we started to watch 'Dead Silence'(horror movie). Mark went to sleep though, because according to him, he said he had watched it before and he was feeling sleepy. The movie was quite good, liked the part where the ghost came up and the dolls moving their heads without anyone touching it. After that, chatted online for quite a while and went to sleep.

Today was quite a fun day, I woke up around 8.30 and started to get ready for everything and packed all my stuff. Had a few more games of chess with Mark, and today, he totally kicked the crap out of me. I lost every single game. No idea what happened. Had breakfast at 11.30 am. And went to 1 Utama after that. There was damn lot of people at 1 u and we saw Isaac, Ian and Michael there. Apparently they were planning to go to the Driving Range to play golf. So they left us and we( me and Mark) went to cut our hair. We've decided that after cutting our hair, we would meet up with Isaac, but in the end, we ended up getting lost and spent 14 ringgit for nothing. Anyway the most important thing is that lesson learnt, which is to stay in the mall. Eventually, we met up with Isaac and he sent us back to 1 U. We went to this dessert shop, ordered something nice and went to A&W and got ourselves rootbeers. Mark's parents came to pick us up around 3.15, and they sent me back all the way to the hostel. I have to say, his parents are very very very nice. I reached the hostel, went into Cosy Corner and listened to Amiera talking about herself threathening this fat boy that apparently had accidentally knocked her while she was in primary school. It was so damn hilarious. and after that, we went to dinner and here I am now typing this blog.

And that is all for my weekend. Am looking forward for the term break, my mom said no to going anywhere during the holidays, because of swine flu.